Rhoda and I have learned, assimilated, or invented a number of
phrases that represent rules of thumb in our parenting approach.
I describe them here not as a complete or authoritative list, but
as examples of what we have found useful.
| It's not "fun" unless its fun for everyone. |
We use this whenever we end up with one sad child and the
other child explaining their role with the words, "But
I was just having fun." |
| Is that how you would want someone to treat you? |
Children don't naturally put themselves in the position of
the recipient of their own actions. This question encourages
them to begin to consider what it feels like to receive what
they are giving. |
| We don't compare ourselves with others because God made
us all just right |
Kids will often compare themselves to siblings or other kids,
usually in ways that puts them in a bad light. When our kids
are feeling bad about their comparative abilities or qualities,
we remind them with these words that you can't measure yourself
by others. |
| No, you do it yourself - parents should only do for kids
what they can't do for themselves |
Our children often encounter tasks they wish their parents
could do for them. We try to determine whether the task requires
help or whether the child simply needs to learn to do the task.
This arises from our underlying philosophy that one of our duties
as parents is to develop our kids competence which gives them
confidence and increases their resourcefulness. |
| If you treat your friends like that, they might not want
to come over again |
Not only does this get kids thinking about the long-term consequences
of their short-sighted actions, it also helps them recognize
that friendship is a voluntary relationship that cannot be taken
for granted. If you mistreat your friends, they might really
stop coming! And if your friends mistreat you, while you might
forgive them, you are not obligated to go back and play with
them. |
| First, start doing what I ask, then ask me why while you're
obeying |
While knowing why is not a bad thing in and of itself, our
kids often try to delay carrying out a task we've just charged
them with by asking why. As children, their first responsibility
is to obey, and an optional privilege is to understand why.
For their own security and well-being, we expect our kids to
obey without questioning; doing so could mean the difference
between life and death (ie: Dad to kid, "Go to the side
of the road!" Kid to Dad, "But why Dad?" Car
to Kid, "Wham!) But rather than just telling them to obey
without ever questioning, we offer them the option to ask for
an explanation while obeying. We are not obligated to explain
it every time, so sometimes we say, "I can't explain why
right now." |
| I'm so sad you got an owie - that must really hurt - how
did it happen? |
As parents, we can often see an injury coming long before
it happens. Our kids, however, don't have the experience base
from which they can anticipate the outcomes. When the inevitable
injury happens, we have two responsibilities: compassion toward
our children and helping them understand cause and effect. By
showing compassion, we communicate that the injury matters.
By letting them identify the cause, we give them a chance to
learn. Sometimes we are tempted to immediately say "Well,
you shouldn't have been (blah, blah, blah)" Responding
like this would fail to show we really care about the injury
they sustained, and it would rob them from figuring out for
themselves how to recognize cause and effect. |
| No, you may not be excused until everyone is finished eating |
Family meal times are a precious, valuable time together,
not just a race to consume food and move on to individual activities.
They are social events incorporating food, conversation, and
a mutual commitment of time. We are all in it together until
the event is over. Besides, we have found that a child who says
they are full after only a few bites (which we know isn't usually
true) will often return to eat a little more if they sit there
at the table while others continue to eat, avoiding the need
to request more food shortly after dinner. |
| Did you talk about the problem to the person who hurt you
before telling me? |
Parents can serve as mediators, enforcers, and comforters,
but the real issue is a broken relationship between the injured
one and the responsible party. This piece of guidance teaches
kids that they should give the other party the chance to hear
about the hurt they caused, and possibly repent and seek forgiveness
before the matter 'escalates' to a higher authority. This principle
is also faithful to the guidance Jesus gave in Matthew 18:15. |
| Yes you look very pretty, but the thing I like most about
you is how you've learned to love other people |
Our daughters, while playing dress-up, will come to us and
ask, "How do I look?" At that point in time, we have
the opportunity to help them learn what qualities are most imporant.
If we simply gush over their cuteness, and that is all we do,
they learn that being cute is a sure way to gain acceptance
from their parents. If, however, we acknowledge their cuteness
as a recognizable quality and a gift from God, but point out
some character trait that is far more important, they will learn
that dressing up may be fun, but developing Godly character
is truly worthwhile. |
| I'm proud of you and I love you all the time, but what
you just did is very disappointing |
The word 'disappointing' is a very powerful thing to say between
a parent and a child. Disappointment should never be stated
about the child, but only about the actions of the child. When
kids are young, they derive a part of their self-acceptance
from their actions. This is a natural stage in their moral development.
But our job as parents is to not only work with them within
their concrete moral mindset, but also to stretch that mindset
toward abstract moral reasoning. Morally advanced people know
that you can be committed to and accepting of a person without
accepting some of the things they do as good. |
| What was Mommy's answer? That's always my answer too. |
Children learn early that rules often vary between adults.
As with all humans, they will try to play people against each
other for their own advantage. One of our goals is to remove
the possibility that our kids will divide us on even the smallest
issues by trying to get a different answer from the other parent.
We cut that short by asking first whether they have already
been given an answer by the other, and ALWAYS defering to any
final decision made by the other, regardless of whether we agree.
We've decided it is much more valuable to our kids that we stand
together. The two of us can always discuss a matter if no decision
has been announced and change our minds together, but our rule
is that we will always defer to the other's final decision by
default. |
